Episode 15: The Truth

Of course, my mind didn't initially jump to the right answer. A million things ran through my head first; were they going to put us to death? For breaking a window on a train? Or did we do something else? Was it just because we were rebellious in general? What sort of totalitarian place was this train? How could they get away with this?

But as I chewed on this in contemplative silence, John suddenly voiced something that hadn't occurred to me at all. "You mean, we've been dead all along?"

That stopped my mind in its tracks, but only for a moment. Then a flood of memories came rushing back to me, knocking me over and sending me sprawling across the concrete floor. A small table, housing two mugs of coffee with the steam still rising over them, forgotten. There is the click of a lighter as we heat up a spoon on the floor in the corner. Since she brought it, she takes the first hit. She shutters in ecstasy as I snatch the spoon away for myself.

The memory shifts and I'm kissing her on my way out the door. She doesn't say anything as I smile absently to myself, the taste of her lips and something else still on mine as I skip down the hallway and down the stairs of the shabby apartment building. The door slams loudly behind me.

Now I'm waiting outside of the subway station. I've hit rush hour, running late after the business in the apartment. I adjust the tie that the employment agency gave me, which was one of the conditions of my parole. It suddenly felt very tight on my neck, and I didn't want to be there anymore. I recognized myself starting to trip, and slowed my breathing as best as I could. I could do this.

Then a curious thing happened. A woman's scream. A stroller. A dog barking. The subway coming.

What surprises me more than the fact that I acted is that I can actually remember being hit. I jumped onto the tracks, tossed the baby up into its mother's arms, and turned just in time to see the glaring lights on the front of the subway. The screech of the breaks filled my ears. The driver was standing in her seat, shrieking, anticipating the collision.

And then it hit me. My neck jarred. My body was lifted off the tracks by the momentum of the vehicle. Finally, blissfully, it slowed down and I was released, only to be flung onto the tracks. I bounced twice, feeling the skin being torn off of any exposed skin there was. At this point, I think I knew I was dead.

Sarah's words interrupted the memory. "... here because we didn't belong in heaven or in hell. We weren't good people, but we weren't so bad, either..."

I suddenly felt exhausted as the tears started streaming down my face.